Kaal Movie review -an Forgettable experience

" Vivek Oberoi kaa kaal achaa thaa ki woh screen ke peeche thaa....
meri kaal itni buri thi ki main screen ke bahaar tha... "

This aptly summarises my predicament while watching KAAL --- BIG time s**king movie..

the movie starts on a very high note with the "kaal Kaal hai " song showing the vivacious curves of mallaika and your body grooves in sync with mallaika during the entire duration of the song. i hardly watched shah rukh.. the screen presence of SRK was not realy felt. malaika stole the show and she is the Modern day rekha--always young..

U start having high expectations.. the director does not dissapoint u initially. he has a sequence wherein the camera traces the path taken by a tiger in attacking its prey.From there the movie draws a flak till the end. YOu expect the story to be like "Ghosts in darkness",but u r in shock the movie goes nowhere like that.. u think it might be A CRIME THRILLER BUT IT STILL IS NOT EVEN A CRIME THRILLER. Then WTF is it?? if i knew it i woukld have told u..

after the initial scene,u see a girl in a skimpy micro mini and a coloured tops showing 70 % of her body running across a a field carrying a cell phone. u are bewildered as to what is happening .the camera immediately moves on to a guy who runs as if he is maurice green incarnate with a bare body. any guesses for who it is?? yeah..u guessed it right it is john abraham...

he looks so flabby as u are left to wonder why he did a salman act in the first place.as to the babe in the skimpy dress u are in full anticipation as to who it is..its all well till the moment the camera shows the face of teh heroine...aaahhhh......... she looks older than my grandmaa..no wonderits esha deol..i think her mother would have looked far more younger than her..another loss of airtime ..

Then the scene shifts to the forest where a set of 4 ppl will be talking totally uncorrelated bullshit in a new landrover. i am not giving u guyz a chance to guess who it is..yeah vivek oberoi,lara dutta and two other chaps.

now the vehicle stops in the mid of the forest and they are guided into the forest by an absolutely wierd guide.the guide looks as if he is totally lost and gives wierd smiles and tells some really stupid shlokas.

then some stupid sequences and finally the movie gets over. thank god and teh director has been considerate enuf to leave us with a song in the end. guyz were so pissed off that all of us watched the songs and asked for repeating the initial malaika arora song for 6-7 times for getting our money's worth.

Okies the pluses

only one - the cameraman.he focuses it artistically on the ..well u know what..;-)

MInuses

No story
No songs
NO steamy scenes
No fight
No coherence


acting was at its pathetic best and vivek oberoi must take a break from acting. he seriously seems to have lost his skills. he is the saurav ganguly of indian cinema--pathetic. But one guy had overtaken him in terms of pathetic acting and the honours goto Ajay devgan. My god!! he was terrible..i dont blame him though it was the director i guess...

Punch dialogues : " Cut the crap "by vivek... btw the crowd was shouting the dialogue all thru the film.
then the best dialogue of the film by ajay " Pani tho nadi ka hotha hai" ..wierdest dialogues u can ever hear


lara dutta did some decent skin show by roaming in micro minis in forests. what a costume designer.my god micro minis and a short top in forests.thats height of creativity.

the tigers come once in the movie and they never return back. guyz got so pissed off that in the end we were hoping the tiger comes and does something to esha or lara. nothing like that happened. shit..

in screen esha was saying to john.." krish mujhe bahuth dar lag raha hai,mujhe gar janna hai"
we retorted saying " hume bhi jaana hai ..saale jaldi film ko samapth kar.."

esha tried hard to showcase her potential in well..,but unfortunately no one was interested.

one scene ---unbelieveable creativity .. a hand comes in fronnt of a guy and BG score is damn scary and in a sort of anti climax u realise that it is that fellow's hand and he brings it in such a way to wipe teh sweat of his face.. such dumb creativity..yuck..

so how were we able to sustain it??

we were 6 of us and fully loaded with comments hence we enjoyed it..otherwise...

we calculated the ROI for the film..

investment - 75 rs thank god i did not get the 90 rs ticket

10 rs - first song
10 rs - last song
5 rs - first scene
5 rs - lara dutta
2 rs - esha deol
5 rs - tigers
1+1+1 rs - owl + snake + monkey

so net till now comes to 40 rs

- 25 rs for horrible acting of ajay devagan
-10 for vivek esp the scene where he confronts john
-5 for the squeals which lara and esha give out..
- 10 for other characters

so net worth is - 10 that is the producer will have to pay u 10 rs for watching the film...

verdict ---- Must avoid ...age sex nationality no bar..